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Dark Rooms and Time Alone

from B Sides by Save The Swim Team

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lyrics

Can you point me to the nearest place where there’s a body of water? I always mess up “lie” and “lay.” I need to lay down someplace where there’s grass or else push my fingers deep into sand and make a plan to stay here. There’s a shadow of an elm tree that won’t touch me if I move. When you told me to hang around, then on your way home totaled your car, I sat up thinking, not sure if I was meant to make a promise. And when we were eight and ten years old, holding hands and imagining the people we’d be, all the things in the future we’d see. We couldn’t wait for everything. But when I look back now, there’s just white smoke and kitchen knives, and our mom telling us to go to hell, a lit cigarette ashing down her chin and trembling. Dark glasses and sleeves and knowing where all the exits are at all times, I suppose we each learned a little more from her than we care to repeat. At fifteen, in high school, wearing clothes that smelled of smoke, writing shitty poetry, thinking, “No one knows what it’s like to be me.” Missing school and calling home, just disconnect the telephone. Never knowing what time of day it is ‘cause it’s so dark inside. And when I look back now, there’s just — can you point me to the nearest place where I can lie down this weight and stretch my shoulders. Keep it safe. I need to make a plan to stay here. There’s a humming bird above me that I think might mean something. Dark rooms and time alone, and a door whose lock had been removed, never feeling safe, and afraid of coming home. I only know if I stay and wait here, years go by. It might seem slow, but there’s never time to make any meaningful change. I’m too tired to start today. Kneeling down and folding hands, not sure if we’re doing this right. We can wear our parents’ nice clothes and pretend that we’re grown. And after all of this time, I’m still here, standing here alone, with a door I won’t unlock. No one has helped me feel more safe, I’m still afraid of coming home.

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from B Sides, released March 29, 2023

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Save The Swim Team Huntington Beach, California

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